Second chance
by LullabiesCradle
Summary: Sometimes, second chances don't always go as planned.
1. Chapter 1

Pain is a beautiful thing.

Every person can relate to the feeling of pain. The aches of aging joints that our elders know all too well. The heart wrenching, chest crushing pain of a teenagers first heart break. Or this sharp, new sensation that a baby is feeling for the first time. Pain is a part of our every day lives.

Physical pain is a warning bell. It cries out when we are reaching our limits, when we should back off and rest. It gives off a keening feeling that something is just not right. Physical pain is what keeps us whole.

Emotional pain is a different beast. It is a flavoring, one of the many spices of life. From the sharp, bitter tang of anger, to the aching wail of sadness. It is the negative emotions, that while they hurt in the moment, let us truly feel alive when they are gone. There can be no light without a shadow. The sunshine is all the more sweet after a long storm.

But too much, and it will ruin you.

When pain is all you feel there is no point to life, because you are no longer truly living. I have learned this first hand. As a infant, I had never stopped crying. As a baby, every sensation is a new experience. With nothing to base everything off of, each new event is the biggest in your small life. Each pain a infant gets is the worst thing they have experienced. My mother was going mad with the lack of sleep, and my father was desperate to find a way to stop my wailing. All I had known was I hurt.

My parents had noticed the way I was always coughing. The awful, wet-hacking noises I made should have been their first hint that I needed help. But it was not their fault they couldn't give it to me. Living in poverty means that some things come first, and seeing a doctor was not at the top of that list. It was not until I was three that they were finally able to afford the testing, and the age of three, I had been given a life sentence. Cystic Fibrosis.

I won't make you sit through my entire life, however short it was. But you should at least understand what it was like growing up with it. I spent most of my time in the hospital. Due to my parents lack of money, it wasn't a very good one. It was always overcrowded. Too many patients and never enough nurses. The smell of rubbing alcohol and stale sweat was always there. After a while, you learned to ignore it. Mom and dad were always working, trying to earn enough to keep up with the payments of my treatment. Due to never being able to go to public school, I never really made friends. I tried to convince myself that I was okay without any. I was tutored by some of the volunteers, and it was through one of them, that I was introduced to my escape.

I was given a old, beaten up book. Rather than the lengthy novels that I usually read, it was a story told through pictures. The volunteer said it was called manga, and that the story was called Naruto. From that day forward, I was enraptured with this world of incredible feats. I was able to convince the nurses to check out the rest of the series from the library for me. I lost myself in this world of ninja. I always tried to imagine myself in this universe of chakra and fighting. I imagined myself healthy, able to make friends and explore that magical world. I had loved the characters like I would a real person. I had wished there was a way I could change the way the story turned out. I wished there was a way to ease the pains of these characters.

I loved the story with every bit of my heart, up until I died. I wish I could show you what was dying was like. Everyone I have know assumes it to be the scariest thing in life. Death is something that consumes everybody in the end, and most fear the day it will come for them too. I guess I will make do with writing it out for you.

In the days leading up to it, I knew my time was short. I had tried to ease the pain of those around me, knowing that they will be the ones dealing with the aftermath. I told my favorite nurses how thankful I was for them taking care of me. Even though they were so overworked, they did their best for this lonely child, and I was grateful for it. I had told my doctor that I knew he tried his best, and it's okay that it didn't turn out okay in the end. When my parents had visited me for the last time, I let them know how much I loved them. I told them I knew that even though they weren't there for me all time, I was happy I was their child.

The day I died was a rainy April morning. My bed was always next to the window, and I had loved to watch the rain pour. The gentle patter of the drops against the window was a comfort. The sun was blocked out by the dark gray clouds, and thunder would occasionally roll over the sky. My breaths were coming in slower and slower. I could feel my heart sluggishly beating in my chest, and even though I was a bit scared, I was also a bit happy. I was going to leave the hospital finally.

I shut my eyes, acting as though I was just taking a small nap. The first thing to go was my sense of touch. I could no longer feel the rough cotton of the blanket, and although I knew I was lying in a bed, I felt like I was floating. My sight was gone next. Even though my eyes had been closed, it was like there was nothing there to begin with. It was not dark, just the absence of sight. The last thing to go was my hearing. As I drifted off to the sound of the many machines around me beeping, my last thought echoed in my head. Death is not a scary, cold experience. Death is calm, and it is oh so warm.

At 9:32 AM, on April 13th, I had died at sixteen years old.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

I am floating. There is a warm ocean below, and nothing but darkness surrounds me. I do not know how long I have been drifting. The only thing I am aware of is my own mind, and the rocking of my body. I know I am dead. I had died as a teenager to a disease I never stood a chance against. But if I am dead, then where am I? Is this the afterlife? I do not think I particularly mind. As long as I am warm, and the water is calm, I am happy wherever I am.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

Something has changed. For the first time since I died, I hear noise. A soft hum surrounds me. At first, I panic. This is something new, and it startles me. But as the hum continues, I realize that it is not going to hurt me. The noise surrounds me from all sides, and I realize that it is actually rather comforting. While this is new, I think I am okay.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

I don't know how long I've been floating, but I have a feeling the space around me is growing smaller. The once wide ocean seems to be shrinking, and I feel like I'm suffocating. The fact that I feel that way confuses me, as I am almost certain that I don't breathe. There is only one thing that I truly know. Things are changing, and it scares me.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

All of a sudden, I am no longer floating. I am falling.

In the first time in who knows how long, I see light. I feel like a giant mushy pile of jello, and the new noises and the too bright lights overwhelm me. I start to cry. I can feel myself being picked up, and something soft enveloping me. I open my eyes to see a woman holding me, and my first thought is how big is she? Its with a jolt, that I realize that she is not some sort of giant, but I am in fact tiny. While my mind is being overloaded by all the new sensations, I come to a distant epiphany.

I am a baby.

I was somehow reborn.

What the hell is going on?


	2. Chapter 2

I knew I wasn't in the same place from the very first words my mother had spoken to me. As she held me moments after I was born, murmuring words that I did not understand. They sounded familiar, but it was not the English I was used to. The intent behind the words was still clear though. They were the comforting words of a mother to her child.

As she quietly spoke to me, I noticed her grip getting weaker. Her breaths were coming out in strained huffs of air. Her eyes grew glassy and dim. I had seen this look all too often in my first life. I had seen it on my many roommates, and I am sure I had that very look on my face in the minutes before my death. As soon as I noticed what was going on, I tried my best to understand her. I had been in this world for less than a hour, and I was already losing my new mother. I was desperate to hold onto anything she gave me, even if it was words of comfort in a language I did not know. In the end, the only word I was able to understand was my new name.

Mai.

It ended up being the only name she gave me. As my mothers words grew soft, and I knew her time was almost done, I tried to give her a parting gift. I smiled for my mother, as a thank you for bringing me into this new world. Her last breath seeped out of her, and I was taken from her arms by someone new. Swaddled in warmth, and already tired from the events since my birth, I started to fall asleep.

Drifting in slumber, I was vaguely aware of being scared. Sleeping was too familiar, too similar to how I drifted after my death. I dreamed of the void I had floated in. The warm waters were no longer comforting, they rocked me like a boat in a storm. I was scared, I had a new life now. I had something to go back too, and I didn't want to be stuck in this hell again.

The sound of a infant crying brought me out of my sleep. The person who had been carrying me, the same one that had taken me from my mothers arms, had brought me to a place. This was no longer the room I had been born in, probably not even the same building. I was brought into a room full of other infants. The person carrying me set me down in a crib, one in a line of many. I came to the slow realization that I was in a orphanage. I guess my mother had been my only family.

Settling down into my crib, I faintly noticed the person who had carried me here was leaning over me. I tried to study their face, only to be stuck on a single feature. They were wearing a konaha hitai-ate. I was not only reborn, I had been reborn into the Naruto world. I had a second chance at life in the place I had dreamed of through out most of my first life. I didn't even notice the person leaving. I was too caught up in thoughts of what the hell was going on.

I felt myself getting overwhelmed, too many thoughts crashing down on me. Closing my eyes, I started to make a mental list of the things I knew. I need to have some sort of plan if I was to survive this. I started with the list of things that I knew at this moment.

I had been reborn.

I had been reborn into a fictional universe that I had spent a good portion of my previous life learning about.

I was presumably a orphan.

Breathing in deeply, which was not much with my tiny lungs, I tried to think about what I had dreamed of doing in this world. If I was in this story, I needed to know when I had been placed. I also had to figure out what exactly I planned on doing. Do I change anything? Would my presence here set off some twisted butterfly effect? Taking another calming breath, I began to list the things I knew I wanted to do.

1\. I want to make my favorite people happy, if it's even possible

Thinking of my favorite characters, and the awful pain they went through, I knew I wanted to ease that somehow. My first life had been filled with both physical and emotional pain, and in this world I knew I had a chance to change it for them. I had felt naruto's pain of a lonely childhood. I knew what it felt like to not have my family with me, I knew how alone sasuke felt. I felt kakashi's pain, of having everyone you love leave you. Making friends in hospice care never ended well for me.

2\. I want to go to the Academy.

I knew that I was in a unique position. Depending on where in the timeline I had been placed, I had a good amount of knowledge on the events to come. If I were to become a ninja, I had a chance that I could influence the future to make it somewhat happier. I could try to prevent the worst from happening. If I changed too much, it could all go wrong though. I would have to be careful.

3\. I want to become a medic-nin.

In my time before, I had love the idea of medical ninjustu. The idea that somehow, almost injury or sickness could be helped, or even cured. Spending most of my life with cystic fibrosis, the thought that it could be magically fixed made my heart ache. I never wanted another person to have that sort of life, and if I could change that, I knew I would take that chance.

But before I could do anything in this new world, I would have to grow. Closing my eyes, I drifted off to the sound of the other orphans around me. A infant can't change much, but eventually, I will change this world. I have a second chance, and I'm not going to waste it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Why was is it so bright?_ My first thoughts when I wake up are of the fact that its too damn bright for this early in the morning. I tried to cover my eyes, rolling into my pillow hoping that maybe if I ignore it, the light will go away.

The angry voice of Tanaka wakes me further. "Mai! You get out of bed right this instant!" I feel her pull my sheets off of me. I grumble, and sit up while rubbing my eyes. A new day has started, and I am sure as hell not ready for it. Tanaka has already left the room by the time my eyes are already open.

I have been here for four years now, and I already can't wait to leave this place. Since my mother had died only a hour after I was born, I had been placed in one of the Konoha orphanages. Living in a orphanage has been a interesting experience. At least it wasn't too difficult here. Tanaka was the worker in charge of me and about twenty other children. It was no wonder she was frustrated having to wake me up for a second time, with all the others she was in charge of trying to do the same.

I groggily look around the room, even though I know nothing has changed since the night before. There are the nine other beds crammed in here with mine closest to the wall. The window has its curtains thrown open, morning rays lighting up the room. At least I got to sleep in until the sun was up today.

I slowly stand up, moving to make my bed as neat as I can. Tanaka gets grumpy if I don't. Walking into the hallway, I make my way to the bathroom. The sound of the other children follow me through the hall. I can hear the other kids talking and laughing, probably eating breakfast already. I was allowed to be somewhat independent, even though I was only three. The workers here have too many kids to look after, and since I can do the basics by myself they leave me be. They had come to know me a quiet, calm child who acted far older than I looked.

Reaching the bathroom, I do my business and try to get ready for the day. I had to drag a stool over to the sink before I could see into the mirror. Staring back at me is the small, unassuming face of a child. Sometimes I forget that I look so different. I will expect to see my plain eyes, only to have a tired set of green look back at me. Or I will go to put my hair up, used to wild unruly curls, to remember that my hair is now straight, and a deep red too.

I break eye contact with the unfamiliar face in the mirror and continue getting ready for the morning. Brush my teeth, brush and braid my hair with clumsy fingers, put on the standard clothes the orphanage gave us. I could never really stand the plain navy shirt, and the simple black pants. Wearing them, I looked paler than I already was. Finally dressed and ready, I start my day.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

Even though I am only four at the moment, I am given a surprising amount of freedom. I am allowed to leave the orphanage in the daytime, and most days I do. I guess being a ninja village has the advantage of someones always watching, and they take the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" to the extreme. While most of my peers spend their time playing around the village, exploring the small forest and whatnot, I enjoy going to the library.

While learning Japanese had been a challenge, learning to read was actually quite enjoyable. Once I had a hold on the basics, I read everything I could get my hands on.

I started with the normal subjects, History, Science, Etc. While they had seemed so mundane in my time Before, I found I actually enjoyed learning them this time around. Science was different here, and while the basic laws and rules stayed the same, there were new elements and new ideas due to chakra being real here. History seemed to be just a deeper look into the lore of the story I had loved so much.

I moved onto other, more exciting subjects after the basics of the others. Ninja arts, chakra theory, Shinobi history. I devoured anything I could get my hands on, reading faster than kids a decade older than me. I wanted to learn everything, knowing that one day it would be possible for me to do these things.

I spent every day in the library, and of course this day was no different. I had gone straight after finishing the chores that Tanaka had given me. Luckily, the building isn't actually that far, so I don't really spend much time getting there. Walking in the door, I take a deep breath in. I love the smell of all the books here. I make my way to a small, secluded corner that I have 'claimed' as mine. Due to how tall the shelves are, and the way they are clustered together, it's incredibly easy to hide in between a shelf and a window. Rarely does anyone bother me here.

Today's book of choice is something that I am swiftly growing to love. Medicine. The body isn't too different here, but there is of course the addition of chakra. I know a bit about the body due to living in the hospital, but learning about chakra systems and kekkei genkai is new and exciting. I had wanted to work as a medic-nin before, but I wanted to even more now.

Before I knew it, it was already afternoon. I had finished the book I had been reading, only to look out the window and be startled at how high the sun had already gotten. Standing up and stretching, I made my way back to the orphanage. I knew Tanaka was going to be grumpy when I got back since I had forgotten about lunch again. I guess there is a reason I am smaller than the other kids, and my skipping meals doesn't always help.

(~~✿ • ✿~~)

By bedtime, my hand is seriously cramping. When I had gotten back, Tanaka spent a good twenty minutes lecturing me about missing another meal, and given me a list of chores she expected done as a punishment. I spent most of the afternoon scrubbing the kitchen and mopping the halls. She let me stop after dinner, thankfully.

I spend the time after dinner like I do normally, I sit in my bed with my journal and I write. One of the older kids traded me the plain, black notebook as long as did some of his chores for a month. It had definitely been worth it. This journal had become my closest confident. While I would normally write in Japanese for most things, I would write in English in my journal. There was no such language here, so I knew anything I wrote in here would not be readable to anyone trying to snoop.

I filled this journal with anything and everything that I couldn't let others know. My memories of my time Before. Plots to try and ease the pain of the characters I loved so much. My thoughts of people that I meet. Nothing was held back, since I knew it was safe here.

Others thought it the childish ramblings of a paranoid child. I had told those who asked that it was a diary written in a made up code. I guess it was, in a way. Eventually, I knew people might get curious. I was planning on being a ninja, and I knew people would try to find out what I was writing one day. But until then, it is my secret.

By the time I finally start to fall asleep, I think about the future. I wonder when am I actually going to meet a canon character. I think about being able to leave this place once I enter the academy. I hope that I will be able to make friends one day.

I fall asleep with a hopeful smile on my face.


	4. Chapter 4

When I was four and a half years old, I had finally convinced Tanaka to tell me who my parents were. I didn't learn much. Apparently my mother was a "Lady of the night", and my father was unknown. My mother had died shortly after giving birth, and I was brought to the orphanage by her Matron. After finally getting my mothers name, I was allowed to see her grave.

Konoha's cemetery is on the outskirts of town, not that far from the orphanage itself. It is clean, and mostly well kept. The graves are cleaned either by the family members, or sometimes academy students if they have nobody left. My mothers grave is in the far west corner, next to a short fence and a few trees. The plain gray stone has the kanji 君子on it. Kimiko. Noble child.

It is a early April morning when I visit her again. The sky is filled with dark Grey clouds, looking like they may begin to weep at any moment. My is filled with thoughts of the day I died as I make my way there. It would only need to start raining for it to match.

It's been three months since I had visited mother last. I don't really spend much time mourning her, but it is a nice spot to mourn the world I had known from my time in Before. Nobody would question the orphan sitting at a grave why she is so sad, and they leave me in peace here. Sometimes I will talk to the headstone, pretending it is my mother, both from Before and the one from this world. I had come toady to share news and clean her grave again.

Reaching her grave, I set down the bucket and cloth that I brought with me. I speak to her as I begin to clean.

"Good morning, Ka-chan. I hope you are doing well today, wherever you are," I wipe the dirt that covers her name first. "Did you know that I am already five years old?"

I had died April 13th in Before. It turned out that the day you die is also the day you get reincarnated. Celebrating a birthday is never a happy event for me, it just marks one year closer to leaving the orphanage. I usually spend it here since it's much quieter.

"Tanaka-san is finally letting me enter the academy the after next. Hopefully, I will make my first friend there. I know you are probably scolding me for not making any yet." I gently scrub at the mud that lines the bottom of the grave. "I wonder what it would have been like, if you were here. Would I have a family? Or would I have still been alone."

I sweep away the leaves that have fallen around the headstone with my feet. I glance at the grave for a moment. "It feels somewhat silly to say this, but I miss you, Ka-chan. I have never really met you, but I still wish that you were here. I feel so alone in the orphanage." I continue to murmur softly as I sit in front of the grave marker.

"I am glad that I was not born in a village like kiri, where I would have been thrown to the streets. But I still wish I wasn't a orphan sometimes. I wish you were here to raise me Ka-chan." I am quiet for a few minutes as I think back to my family from Before. Even though they weren't able to visit often, they still were there. I can still practically feel my fathers hugs, or my mothers fingers running through my hair. I miss them so, so much. I miss Before. Even though I was dying, I wasn't alone. I had always dreamed of being in the Naruto universe. I thought my life here would be so much better. With all the thoughts of fighting, chakra, and the characters, I never thought that I would be so alone.

As a few tears leak out my closed eyes, I pull myself to my feet. I will not spend my time moping on what I lost, or what could have been. Wiping my face dry, and picking up the bucket and cloth that I brought with me, I walk slowly to another grave.

After the first few visits, I realized not everybody had someone left to clean their headstone. Thinking of the fact I probably had a grave in Before, I decided to clean any that were left alone for too long. It had become a tradition of sorts to spend my birthday cleaning grave markers. Somewhat morbid, I know.

Working carefully, I slowly make my way through each of the forgotten stones. I talk to them like I would my own mother. By late morning, I reach one that I recognize. Hatake Sakumo. Kakashi's father. I wonder how its gotten this dirty. It must have been a while since Kakashi has visited.

Hatake Sakumo is someone that I looked up to. I had read about him, both in Before and in the history books here in the library. He had gone on the ill-fated mission that led to the start of the third shinobi war, and had been the scapegoat for it. He tried his best to hold on for his son, even as the wrath of the village came down upon him. In the end, he had decided to take his own life. I respected the fact he had done so much for his home, and never blamed the village for the things it did to him.

Kneeling before the grave marker, I begin to clean. I talk quietly to the grave, just like the others. I mention how I had read about him in the library, and about the feats he had done. I mention how the more recent history books paint him in a negative light, saying that he failed the village when he started the third shinobi war. But most of all, I tell him how I respected him despite what everyone else thinks.

"You know, Hatake-san, everyone seems to talk about how you had doomed the village by abandoning the mission. But that's just it, you didn't abandon the mission out of malice. You did it to save your friends. You had know way of knowing that by saving the lives of your teammates, that you were starting a war. You were doing all you could in that situation. You did the best you could, and I really admire that. Thank you, Hatake-san." I bow my head slightly, and gather my stuff to leave.

Unfortunately, when I turn around, I come face to face with nobody but Hatake Kakashi himself. I freeze in place, and think to myself how long has he been there. Blushing slightly, I correct myself and think how much of my speech did he hear.

"Good morning, I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll just be on my way now." I tilt my head down and refuse to make eye contact. I can feel his eyes following me as I make my way out of the cemetery.

As I walk back to the orphanage, all I can think is this has been one of the more embarrassing things I've done in a long while. I was hoping I would leave a good impression the first time we met, but I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm some sort of creepy stalker child now.

Hopefully the next time I see him is better.


End file.
